Ah universe, it's been an interesting day to say the least....
Where to begin and where to start? What stories shall I share with you today?
Ever feel like the third wheel in a friendship? The kind where the three of you are friends but the other two have a somewhat sort of special bond that you just can't seem to compete with? The kind where it seems each day that there's an increasing division between them and you? That's what the cards had in store this past day. And the sad thing is, maybe I am growing apart from them and maybe it's time to say that final goodbye. We've had our squabbles and arguments before, but feeling like a third-wheel in a friendship is one of the most terrible and heartbreaking experiences you can go through. It makes you always feel like a burden on them when the three of you hang out and that you're wasting their time when you do spend time together. But when you reach a point of final helplessness, where you realize that nothing can be gained from pursuing a perceived reality of a situation, perhaps it is time to cut the cord and say those final words to them.
And on that note, this is the last time I'll post about the boy I fell head-over-heels for. If you're reading this, you should know. Never have I been one for trusting, given the cards I've been dealt. Every relationship I've had since I came out has been a disaster, except for Chris. That one was (and I take full responsibility for it) completely my fault for how it ended. I can't put my faith in someone because of how I was treated growing up, feeling like you're always the weight on someone else's shoulders, the burden on their back, the thing holding them back. Always feeling like you don't measure up and you'll never be able to. And that's why I can't bring myself to say this to your face Jacob, because I won't be able to deal with your answer.
When I saw what Jeffrey did to you by asking me out, I was disgusted with myself. I was utterly ashamed and upset with myself for causing you the stress and despair that I did. I had told myself that after I'd been treated like that before, I would never do that intentionally to someone. I would never deliberately put them through the pain I had felt as well, but I did to you. Even though the gap has been bridged between us and we are friends, I can't look you in the eye and tell you how sorry I am for Jeffrey and what it did to you. It made me feel inhuman and a dark shadow of the person I had used to be.
The only thing that went through my head during the entire event was, "wow, I just came out of the closet and a boy thinks that I'm cute. This is never going to happen again. I'm so excited!"
And I didn't stop once to think about what it would do to the person that he used to be involved with. This was my biggest crime. The fact that this has bothered me for this long is either going to come across as obsessive or truly caring. I hope it's the latter, because I intend it to be so.
But you know Jacob, the one thing I regret most of all?
Not returning the smile you gave me during my freshman year of college on my way to my first ever class. We didn't know each other then and I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but I never, ever forgot it and I'm at a loss to say how sorry I am for falling for the wrong person. I'm at a loss to say how sorry I am that I caused you the pain I did. I'm sorry for not realizing how wonderful of a person you are, how inspirational you are to others, how kind and generous you are to those around you, and how much you love life - until it was too late to make a difference. I'm sorry for not looking into your eyes first over his.
If we stray from our intended path, the only thing we can do is try each day to make it back. I've taken the wrong turn too many times and it's about time I got my sense of direction...
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