As if one trip to the doctor to find out life-changing news wasn't enough, now I have to go back again for some completely-unrelated testing. Apparently I've got to 1) find a cheap dentist in Pocatello, 2) pray that there's nothing serious to the swollen lump on my jawline (gross, I know), and 3) hope that the dentist can work out a payment plan with me and my father because we both lack health insurance. Joyous tidings are being bestowed upon me - please note the intense and utter sarcasm in my voice when I say these things.
And on that note, I feel a need to clarify something for those of you who actually bother to read this blog. Yes, it may seem to you as though I'm always upset or distraught over something or another. Yes, it may seem as though I live in a constant state of misery. My answer to you: put yourself in my shoes for a day and then you'll wonder why I rarely smile anymore. You'll stop wondering why I force myself to get up in the morning and drag myself through my daily routine. This entire year has been one downhill battle after another for me and I'm still wondering where I get the strength to continue fighting it. Even though I've got the support of a few friends, I've got to get some good news soon or it'll be time to make a big change in how I live my life.
And on that note, here's something else for you. Upon discovering that I would need to have dental exams taken to determine what exactly the problem is, I called both my mother and father to ask them for their help. As independent as I am, this isn't something I can fight alone and I'm not afraid to ask for help when I need it. Keep in mind that the words I've written below are both a complete and accurate account of how the conversations went, and sadly, I was very disappointed and upset over the one I had with my mom.
I hope you get a kick out of my mom's literal words, "well, Walt, I don't really know what to tell you. That sucks." And I'm not kidding you. Her EXACT words to me. This is a clear indication as to why I lose faith in people so quickly and rarely if at all trust those who I encounter on a daily basis. My dad on the other hand is willing to go into debt to help me work out a payment plan for whatever medical costs arise from my visit to the doctor. Guess that shows who you can count on and who you can't in life.
How is it possible to climb out of the hole you're in when the ground keeps crumbling beneath you? Sometimes I wish I knew the answer to this question.
Moreover, and I think it's safe to post this here since I doubt the person in question reads my blog, I've got to ask again. If you love someone, and I mean really care for someone, what do you do? It's not a physical attraction (minus the smile which I lose myself in every time I see him), but how caring and compassionate he is. How we seem to have such similar interests (and lack of free time). How he's gone through so much and still finds the reason to smile. And yet the one thing holding me back is something I did over a year ago that I'll never be able to really make amends for, not in my head at least. So what do you do? Do I tell him and deal with the rejection that I probably can't handle? Do I continue to share a smile with him, wishing I could go back in time and undo the damage I did? Or do I just keep it to myself and keep hoping that somehow things will some day work out? I just don't know...
This is why it is so hard to make decisions... and why only you can really make it. Does it bother you more not telling him, or would it bother you more him knowing? There are many ways he could react to you telling him, are you willing to accept the ones you can think of?
ReplyDeleteThese are things only you can answer. I wish you well in your endevour to discover what you will do and in executing it. What ever "it" may be.